Family Update 8: I'M PREGNANT!!!

So I guess the big news today is that we will be welcoming another Havertape baby into our lives .. God is so good!! I'm 8 weeks pregnant today and we are currently due on November 1st 2011, which would be super cool because the babies birthday would be 11.1.11, however Caleb's birthday is October 27th so he's hoping the baby will come a few days early and be his birthday present .. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. As for me, I'm still in shock a little and just trying to process it all. It happened MUCH faster then we had planned, in fact it wasn't planned at all and you can say that it's pretty much an accident .. Well an accident to us but in the big picture God knew all along. We had planned on having more kids but not for a year or so and for those of you who know my experience with getting pregnant it's not easy for it to happen to us, so for us to not be trying diligently to get pregnant and for it to just happen out of the blue can be nothing other then God!! What's really amazing about it is a few days after Eowyn's funeral I was talking to the Lord and telling Him my desires and my need to have another baby and how I hoped it was in His will for me to have another baby and experience being pregnant again .. Little did I know that He had fulfilled my prayer even before I had prayed it. That's how loving God is and how Omnipotent He is .. He knew my wants and desires even before I had expressed them to Him and not only did He know but He put into motion that which I desired, I mean this is amazing!! I do have to admit that Caleb and I have known for a few weeks that we were pregnant but I wasn't ready to share the news with anyone .. I guess I was scared, scared of being pregnant again, scared of what people were going to think or say (not that that should bug me, but I'm human and it kind of does) and just scared to think about the fact that we may have another baby with ACD/MPV even though the percentage is only 1-2%. I just can't go through that again, my mind and my heart can't survive losing another baby. I know some of the doubt is the enemy putting stuff in my head and I know some of it is just me being fearful for what the future holds. Fear is not of the Lord and I know this, however I also know I'm human and just with human nature alone makes you doubt and become fearful .. My job is to know I'm human, I'm flawed and when I have fear and doubt I only know one person to take it all to and that's God. So that's my plan, God is my plan and He will comfort me and sustain me. Like my doctor (Dr. Ramirez) said "We will treat this pregnancy like any other healthy pregnancy till we know otherwise!" So that's the plan, well there's other things to the plan but that's a start. Dr. Ramirez listened to my story then he brought in the head doctor of the medical center and she put in a lot of referrals for us to get things done, on the list is the following: Caleb and I have to meet with a Geneticist to get our blood tested so they can see whether the disease is inherited or not, we will be seeing a special OB person who will determine whether or not my pregnancy falls under the high risk category, I got a TB test done which will be read tomorrow, I have a referral to get an ultrasound done, basic blood work all pregnant women have to get done and finally they are thinking of doing an Amniocentesis to have genetic testing of the baby done while I'm pregnant to test whether or not this baby will be born with ACD/MPV, not that it matters to much because we'll still have the baby but for peace of mind I think it would be good to get done as long as it didn't harm the baby in any way. But we'll see, I have to talk with the Geneticist and ask if there is even a test available for unborn babies to get done concerning that specific disease and ask what the pros and cons are .. For now the baby is doing good, healthy, happy, growing and we are on our way to happily excepting another baby into our family, into our arms, into our hearts. CJ is very excited, already praying for another baby sister, Jesse is kind of like whatever mom, he's still kind of young to care to much lol but I think he's going to be excited when the time comes. Caleb and I are so happy and super excited!! .. Please keep this baby and our family in your prayers. Pray for health and safety of the baby, no complications and peace for us .. Pray we don't go crazy with worry and fear. Thank you Lord for the blessing (baby) you have given us, Your timing sometimes has me wondering if You know what You are doing, but I know You are to Wise to make Mistakes .. So here we go!!!

Family Update 7: Ordering Eowyns' Headstone

So Caleb and I are going to be going to Miller-Jones Mortuary today to put in our order for Eowyns' Headstone. We are currently designing it on his Photoshop and Illustrator programs .. I'm trying not to have a nervous break down. This is just something a parent should never have to do, but it also has to be done so I'm kind of stuck. The good thing is, in about 6-8 weeks, people who go to visit her at the cemetery will be able to find where she is. I was out the other day with CJ, shopping at Wal-Mart, and we picked out some flowers to take to her .. I had to look for a second to find her and then I called CJ over and he laid the flowers down for her, then he decided he didn't like the plastic that was around the flowers so we took them out .. CJ thought it would be a good idea if we took the flowers and outlined her gave with them so people would be able to find his baby sister. So now people will be able to find her at least for a while till they get to old and the workers have to discard them. I think we'll just go back every week and do the same thing till her headstone gets there, also gives me a chance to visit her. CJ said he missed her, he put his hand on her grave and said "mom I can feel her" and then he started to cry. He's showing his emotions more and more with each day and I have to say it's not easy to deal with .. but I reassure him that she is doing great where she is and we'll see her again one day when we get to heaven and it's ok for him to feel sad, to miss her, even to be mad about it and take it to God and tell God how he feels about it all. There's still healing going on over here and though the pain will not ever go away fully, it does lighten up with time. I find myself missing her but not in a sad way, if that makes sense, I'm joyful for her .. I know what she suffered and for her to be with us for 4.5 months was incredible. I loved the time I got with her, to be her mom, to love on her, to worry about her, get gray hair over her and to just know her, see her smile and know her face. She was an amazing little girl. I don't understand everything but I know she was sent here to change our hearts, our minds and open us up to God and everything He has for us, to bring us closer to Him .. She did that!! We love her so much and I'll keep you posted so you know when her headstone gets there.

This Song is What My Life is Right Now

It just goes to show that even with the small things, though we would probably choose to not have them happen and God may not either, He uses them to teach and mold us all the time. With the small things and the big things He wants to improve our imperfections and draw us closer to Him .. Gods ways of using any situation to better us, is amazing!!

Family Update 6: 1 Month Since Eowyn Went to Heaven

Well to be honest not much has changed since the last time I had an update .. Still dealing with heart break, looking to God for comfort and some kind of understanding, going on with our day to day lives and trying not to have a nervous break down. Today marks 1 month since she went to be with Jesus .. I really can't believe how fast it goes by, kind of like when I brought her home and she was 1 month old, I looked back and said to myself "Didn't I just give birth to you?" CJ has been telling me more often that he misses his baby sister and he wishes she didn't have to go to Heaven by he's glad she's not sick anymore. He also informed me that he's praying for another baby sister but this time he's asking that she would not be sick .. Not sure how to process that but I just tell him to keep praying because God hears him and will answer his prayers, in one way or another. As far as our family goes, the boys are both in swim lessons which they are liking a lot .. CJ is in level 2 (Mostly because he already knows how to swim but they need to help him with strokes and floating on his back), Jesse is in level 1 (for the second time) and that's because he doesn't know how to swim at all but he's learning and doing much better. He's not even supposed to be in the class because he's to young, but his birthday is in June and he'll be three so they just let him in the class. Caleb has been very stressed lately, you can be praying for him, he's still in school, working at the college teaching 3 multimedia classes, trying to run his own business and still grieving over the loss of his daughter .. Not to mention dealing with my crying and breakdowns all the time. He is an amazing leader and provider of his family but I can see how beat down he is and could use all the prayers you can put out for him. I'm doing better with every day thought I do take a step back, emotionally, from time to time .. The boys and family life keep me busy for the most part but there are times I'll cry out of no where and start to feel myself go through the "what ifs'" of her life and how I could have done something differently to change things. Those end up being the bad moments for me .. I also know I'm having the baby blues. I just love having babies, my kids are my life they are my ministry .. I know I need time to grieve but I also can't wait to have another baby. I just hope it's still part of Gods will for me to have another baby. In other family topics my brother and sister in law need prayer .. As many of you know Britny and her 3 kids were sent back to the US this last week because her son Johnnys' passport was expired. So they flew 13 hours to Russia sat in a confined area just to board the next flight out 15 hours later and then fly another 13 hours back to the US. They also have medical issues they are dealing with with their daughter .. Please pray for wisdom, understanding and knowledge that surpasses all understanding. Pray the Lord will reveal to them what He wants for them and from them.

Family Update 5: She Would Have Been 5 Month Old!

I have been kind of busy lately and the days have been blending together, but when I finally had a moment to stop and look at the calendar hanging from my frig I noticed today was the 17th .. Three months ago today I took my daughter into Hemet Hospital and that started the hardest journey my family would have to go through! That was the day everything changed, the day that will never be forgotten .. November 17th was the day my family was no longer whole. Eowyn started having trouble breathing, an hour earlier she had thrown up after eating and I noticed as I laid her in her bed that something wasn't quite right and my suspicions were only magnified when, while holder her on my arms, she went limp and started turning white. I rushed her to the local hospital while Caleb stayed with the boys, they were both sleeping and I was unaware of how serious this would become, and as I got to the hospital I could hear that Eowyn's breathing was getting slower and more shallow. I went up to the window and told the nurse that I thought my baby was having trouble breathing. She took me back right away, sat me down and asked "why do you think your baby is having trouble breathing?" I then showed her Eowyn's face and she immediately ran me back, called the doctor and nurses and within minutes they had Eowyn intubated and was giving her oxygen suport .. It is an undiscribably feeling, to see your baby go through that and know that there is nothing you can do to help .. except pray! It's a helpless felling, seeing all this going on and not knowing anything .. I mean I had no clue (at the time) what happen to her or if she would be ok, as far as I knew it looked as though she would die right then. You just don't know what to do, what to think, you are completely lost. The nurse asked me if I had someone to call and I said yes .. I called Caleb and told him he needed to come down right now. He started asking question, which I had no answers for so I just told him to get his mom to watch the boys and to get to the hospital as fast as possible. Within 5 hours she was transported to Loma Linda Hospital were she would spend the remainder of her life. By the next day (18th) the doctor was talking to us about ECMO (life support). He told us this was the only way she would have enough of a chance to stay alive long enough for them to try and figure out what was wrong with her .. I didn't even know how to process this information, I mean my baby was absolutely fine a day ago and now the doctor is telling me she has to be put on life support .. What the heck was going on? Had I enterd some kind of knightmear and not known it?! On the 19th of November Eowyn went on ECMO and that started the journey for the fight of her life. She stayed on ECMO for 12 days and was finally able to come off after many failed attempts. The rest of the journey is writen in the many blogs posted on this site and you all know how the story ends but I wanted to write this and let you know how it all started .. Some of you many know and other may not but now you all do. Yesterday I was very emotional, crying all the time, easily irritated and just depressed and today I stoped and notice that yesterday would have been her 5 month birthday and today would have marked her 3 month stay at the hospital .. I'm glad she didn't have to spend her 5 month birthday in the hospital but I'm sad she didn't get to spend it with us! Thank you Lord for truly healing her and bringing her home eternily .. Help our hearts to heal and help us to look toward You for all we need and all we do!!

Family Update 4: Our Engagement Anniversary!

Today, nine years ago, Caleb took me on a very romantic dinner and walk on the beach for our late Valentines Day date .. We had to go to school on the 14th so we both decide, instead of rushing it, we would celebrate V-Day the day after .. Everything was perfect and beautiful. On our way, walking down the beach, he surprised me by going down on one knee and asking for my hand in marriage .. Can you guess what I said lol!! So here we are nine years later and if you had asked me to describe what our marriage would be like the road we've traveled is not one I would have guessed .. this is yet another picture of why God is God and we are not. He is the only one who knew we would go through what we have and He knew we would be able to survive it, with His help of course. If I had my way I wouldn't have picked to go through the trial we have gone through, I don't think anyways. I mean I can't be upset about it because with each trial, big or small, it has brought me and our family closer to God .. I mean if thats the reward I/you/we get then we should all be giving praise to God for all our trials. Unfortunately not everyone ends up praise God, some end up falling away from Him and turning on Him because they think God's the one who's punishing them for something or just not caring enough to do anything about it. Here's where our perspective comes into play .. You know why bad things happen? It's because humankind is flawed. God made us perfect, He designed us that way from the get go but no one wants a robot to love them, that's not even love, so He gave us free will .. I'll just end it with this, God gave us a way to get to heaven, whether you except that way or not is up to you but I do know that God is to loving to be unkind and if He could He would save every single one of us .. Oh wait, didn't that already happen!! As for Caleb and I, we are happier then ever and all the Praise, Honor and Glory go to God for working through the bad things and good to bring us closer to Him!!

Family Update 3: Valentines Day~Our First Holiday w/o Her.

Caleb and I went out to Newport yesterday to celebrate Valentines Day with our awesome friends Jeremy and Jenifer .. We went out to Joes Crab Shack where Jen had the privilege of teaching me how to crack my own cab and eat it. It was amazing to say the least, it was a wonderful break from the everyday grind or in my case a break from my mind and it's obsession to think about Eowyn. Now we're here on Valentines Day and as I look around and see all the many people celebrating their love for one another I can't help but think how I only want to show love to one person and she's not here to do that with. I find myself missing her more and more each day and my mind becomes engulfed with pictures and memories of her .. I almost have to make myself not think about her just so I won't go crazy. An inspiring person told me today that instead of thinking about how I'm doing here on earth, focus on how she is doing up there in heaven and it might help make me feel better. I would have to say, for the short time I was able to do it, that it does work and does put a smile on my face. I guess it's all about perspective and mine was facing a little bit in the wrong direction .. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, going around saying why me, why now, how could this happen?! I'll never know the answers to those questions anyways till I get to heaven and by then, after seeing all my family and friends, and not to mention Jesus, I may not want to or even care to know the answers to those questions. This is what I do know: God is to loving to be unkind and He's to perfect to make mistakes .. So whatever the reason is, for what happened, God was and is always in control! I do still miss her and I really don't think that will ever go away completely. Now I just have to remind myself to think about her being in heaven and trying to imagine what kinds a crazy fun things her and her best friend are doing up there .. How I can't wait to partake in that!! So Happy Valentines Day to you all and I pray it was a sweet reminder of God's limitless love for you and how He yearns for you to be in His arms totally engulfed by His love .. Thats the picture He gave me through this trial with Eowyn, how I long to be with her and how I want her to know how very much I love her, how words are lacking in my brain to express to her my love for her and my yearning to hold her one more time .. How much more does our Father want those things for us!! The picture I have in my head is beautiful and I long for the day I can be held and loved on by my Father in heaven.

Family Update 2: The Day After Her Memorial

We are blessed to have had so many people come and share in the celebration of life for our little baby girl Eowyn. You never really know the people you'll see or who your loved one has touched and it was no different for us .. We saw so many familiar faces along with a few faces that haven't been seen in some time, then there were ones we have never seen but that God has brought into our lives through this journey of ours. It was amazing to feel the love and support that everyone was giving us even throughout the service. God is so good and His wisdom and knowledge in putting the right people in our lives in unbelievable. As we move on from yesterday I feel like all the emotions of her passing are starting to come out .. but with force this time. I think with all the planning of the memorial and trying to get everything handled I was able to keep myself mostly busy and keep my mind off of her passing. It's kind of my way to process things but now that everything is done and I have nothing else to plan of get ready for I'm just left to sit and think about everything that has taken place .. I have time to cry, be sad and lean on God and my husband to help get me through this. Now it's about really taking time to grieve, get the home life back up and running and getting us back on our schedules. I know I'll see her again and just thinking about the hug we'll have makes me smile .. Her service was beautiful and Pastor Cliff did an amazing Job (as always) at sharing the word of God and trying to reach the unsaved. I know that was part of the reason, if not the whole reason, Eowyn was hear, to spread the word of God through people and bring them closer to our Lord and Savior and we want to keep that going even after she left to be with Jesus. CJ and Jesse are doing fine. Really I think Jesse is to young to really know about anything that is going on but CJ knows and from time to time he'll bring Eowyn up and simply tell me "Mom don't cry, she's all better now .. Jesus healed her". I just hope he keeps up that faith and doesn't turn away from God .. I know how these kind of situations can lead to people running away from God and I hope that never happens. Please keep our family in prayer as we try to move forward.

Family Update 1: It's Been 1 Week

I would have to say that I can't believe a week has passed already. I guess with all the memorial arrangements, having to pack up all her stuff and getting things in the house moved around one does tend to lose track of time .. half the time I don't even know what day it is. Still with all this going on I do still feel like I'm missing something, like I've misplaced something really important and I just can't seem to find it! It's how I explain how I feel about Eowyn not being here, the only way I can share with you how it feels to not have her here anymore .. My life feels less hectic, like I have so much more free time. I guess thats what happens when you don't have to drive to Loma Linda everyday, your time just gets freed up. I would have to say that not having Eowyn here, as in this house, isn't what feels odd to me. She hasn't been home in so long that I'm used to not having a baby here, what's weird to me is not driving to Loma Linda to see her everyday. Not driving up Lambs Canyon, getting on the 10W freeway, complaining about all the crazy drivers (and no I'm not one of them), exiting at Tippecanoe and driving up the street to the hospital, trying to find a parking spot (which is near impossible and something they should really work on fixing) then going inside and waiting for one of the only elevators that work (something else they should fix) and finally getting to the 5th floor, walking through the double doors and seeing all the nurses, RT's and doctors that I've grown so close to .. Men and women who have dedicated there tie to taking such good care of my daughter, people I trust. They are apart of my family now and they have known Eowyn just as long as anyone else has, these are the things I miss, the things I feel weird not doing on a daily basis. It also feels weird not being able to see my daughter, to hold her hand, even not seeing her Trach is weird for me .. So many things that I got used to doing and seeing and now it's all over. I know there's an adjustment period for everyone and this one is going to take a bit more time to get used to but I can't help but be joyful at the same time .. It's almost like God has held back my tears for the last few days and replaced it with Joy. Joy in knowing that Eowyn is in His arms and she is made perfect and even though I miss all those things I just listed I'm also thankful I don't have to do them any longer because it means that she's no longer in pain, she's no longer suffering, everything that was keeping her there at the hospital is now gone, like a vapor! She ran the good race and God called her home, as much as I miss her I'm also so very proud of her. In the short amount of time she did have here on earth she did a great work for the body of Christ and that is something to smile about .. One day I'll be able to tell her how proud of her I am face to face and I'll give her the biggest hug ever! I miss her so much and I'm not sure when the felling I have of something being misplaced will go away but I lean on God and He keeps me going one step at a time. Thank you all for your prayers for our family, we need them.

Eowyns Memorial ~ We Miss Her!

Eowyns memorial has been set, here is the information for everybody:

When: Friday ~ February 11, 2011.

Time: 11 a.m.

Where: Calvary Chapel San Jacinto
http://www.ccsjonline.org/
1450 W 7th Street
San Jacinto, CA 92582
(951) 654-1401

I want to thank you all again for everything everyone has done to support us .. It has felt amazing to know how many prayers went up for her and how many are still going up for our family. This has been the most difficult thing we've ever had to go through and I know with Christ and time this hurt will begin to heal. I have truly enjoyed every moment we got to spend with her and though her time on this earth was short I know it was for a reason .. The reason may not be reviled now or ever for that matter but I know God doesn't do anything accidently so she was supposed to be here when she was and she was supposed to leave when she did! God is good and faithful in all thing He does and I find my rest and comfort in that. If you have known me for a while you will remember me saying how I never wanted to have a girl .. MY plan was to have 4 boys and that's what was going to happen. I now tell people God knew I wanted a girl even when I didn't, she is my blessing in disguise and I wouldn't trade her or the time we had with her for anything in the world .. Now I wouldn't mind having 4 girls haha!! She has changed my heart, made it softer, kinder and more girly .. I encourage everyone who is going to attend her memorial not to feel like you have to wear any black. In fact I ask that you don't .. Be bright and colorful just like she was. We miss her more then words can ever describe but there is joy and happiness in knowing she's in the arms of God and she is now without pain, blemish or any imperfection .. She has been made whole in every single way and one day she will welcome us into her arms, Oh how I look forward to that day!

I will be continuing to write on her blog .. I've decided it can serve as a therapeutic way for me to deal with this loss and find encouragement from the readers. Thank you all again for staying diligent in reading the updates and praying for our needs.

Eowyn Update 33: ~Her Race Has Been Run~

As many of you know Eowyn Mai Rose-Marie Havertape went to be with our Lord and Savior last night .. She is perfect in every way and in the arms of God!! Caleb and I had a family meeting with the doctors yesterday morning at 10am and we were informed that a test, that was sent out about a month ago, for a very rare gene, came back with a positive result .. Eowyn was born with Alveolar Capillary Dysplasia with Misalignment of Pulmonary Veins also known as ACD/MPV:

Alveolar capillary dysplasia with misalignment of pulmonary veins (ACD/MPV) is a disorder affecting the development of the lungs and their blood vessels. The disorder affects the millions of small air sacs (alveoli) in the lungs and the tiny blood vessels (capillaries) in the alveoli. It is through these alveolar capillaries that inhaled oxygen enters the bloodstream for distribution throughout the body and carbon dioxide leaves the bloodstream to be exhaled. In ACD/MPV, the alveolar capillaries fail to develop normally. The number of capillaries is drastically reduced, and existing capillaries are improperly positioned within the walls of the alveoli. These abnormalities in capillary number and location impede the exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide. Other abnormalities of the blood vessels in the lungs also occur in ACD/MPV. The veins that carry blood from the lungs into the heart (pulmonary veins) are improperly positioned and may be abnormally bundled together with arteries that carry blood from the heart to the lungs (pulmonary arteries). The muscle tissue in the walls of the pulmonary arteries may be overgrown, resulting in thicker artery walls and a narrower channel. These changes restrict normal blood flow, which causes high blood pressure in the pulmonary arteries (pulmonary hypertension) and requires the heart to pump harder. Most infants with ACD/MPV are born with additional abnormalities. These may include abnormal twisting (malrotation) of the large intestine or other malformations of the gastrointestinal tract. Cardiovascular and genitourinary abnormalities are also common in affected individuals. Infants with ACD/MPV typically develop respiratory distress within a few minutes to a few hours after birth. They experience shortness of breath and cyanosis, which is a bluish appearance of the skin, mucous membranes, or the area underneath the fingernails caused by a lack of oxygen in the blood. Without lung transplantation, infants with ACD/MPV have not been known to survive past one year of age, and most affected infants live only a few weeks. For a full explanation please copy and paste the follow link into your browser: http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition/alveolar-capillary-dysplasia-with-misalignment-of-pulmonary-veins.

After talking with the doctors and consulting with the lung specialists they told us this disorder is fatal and there is a 100% death rate, she would not be a candidate for a lung transplant and there was nothing further medically they could do for her. The latest x-ray showed that her lungs had began to scar, do to the very high pressures from the vent she was on, her diaphragm was no longer rounded but had caved in and was no longer allowing lungs to expand and oxygenate her blood; it also showed that her Intestines were deformed and not working properly. In addition, she was failing to circulate her own blood and was loosing oxygen needed to keep her body warm .. In finding out this information, speaking with the doctors and praying about what we should do Caleb and I decided that the best thing for HER would be to take her off the ventilator and place her into the arms of God. Last night around 7pm the vent was turned off and as she lay in my arms she passed away and entered the Kingdom of God! We know that Eowyn is an eternal being--she always has been and always will be since creation. The Bible says that God knew her since before the foundations of the earth; we also know that she will forever be our baby girl .. We can no longer hold her in our arms but one day she will welcome us into hers. I thank God for every single day we got to spend with her, to love on her and show her how in love with her we were and still are .. She is my baby mama and I will love her forever!! My heart is heavy and I miss her more then I could ever express to you, I feel as though my heart has been ripped from me but I know in time God will heal and restore it. Thank you all for every single prayer you put out there for her .. It didn't turn out how I wanted it to but it did turn out how God wanted it to and there is comfort in that!!

We will be holding a memorial service for her but all the details have not come together yet .. I will post and let everyone know when and where it will be held. Thank you all again for everything you have done both spiritually and financially, we love you all so much!!! I do ask that you please not send flowers, though they are nice to receive, we do need help financially to pay for her funeral. A monetary gift would be greatly appreciated; Our address for those who need it 25891 Fore Drive, Hemet CA 92544 .. Thank you all so much!

Eowyn Update 32: Test Results

Eowyn is still stable, her HR is looking really good at 125bpm, Saturation is 92-97% and the oxygen is down to 30% .. Her pressures are still really high and shes still on 20mikes of INO .. they did say that her blood gas was looking good so they might try and wean down the pressure a tiny bit and see how she handles it. She is still paralyzed, medically induced coma that is .. The Morphine, Versed, Vec, Milrinone and various antibiotics are still going and they started her on TPN (a nutritional substitute) yesterday. After seeing how good the blood gases are and how stable she's been the doctor has decided to put her on formula .. She'll only be getting 2cc's an hour but it's a start, I just pray her little tummy can handle it and she doesn't throw it back up! Her tummy is swollen, about 54cm as of this afternoon .. Good news is that she's not as swollen all over her body like she was the first time. The new vent she's on is a bit overwhelming, it makes her shake, mostly because it's delivering hundreds of breaths a minute and is kind of loud but after talking with Mike (Eowyns RT who has been taking care of her since she first got admitted and one of my absolute favorite people to talk to at the hospital not only because he genuinely cares about my daughter but he's also positive when no one else is) he helped me to understand the difference in the two vents. The Urine, Blood and Respiratory Viral test came back negative .. Only the test for Respiratory Bacterial came back positive, it wasn't very high however she's been on medication for bacteria since she came back to the PICU so I pray it'll be resolved soon. They do have some test results that just came in that they had sent out almost a month ago .. The doctor wants to meet with Caleb and myself tomorrow at 10am to discuss the results so I'll know more about that later, I just ask that you pray for us at that time that we will understand what is being said to us and what it all means for Eowyns future also for the doctors to have wisdom, knowledge and compassion as they are about to give us this information about our little girl, then pray for Eowyn that the Lord would protect her and preform a miraculous miracle in her little body. Thank you all for staying diligent in praying for our baby and for going through this with us .. God is Faithful and Just in all He does and He is our strength when we feel like the next step we take might be the end of us! Over the last few months I have felt like my heart has been ripped from my chest several time and God is the only one who's there putting it back in and helping me go on .. He will never leave or forsake me and that is so amazingly comforting!!

Psalms 23: 1 Jehovah is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: He guideth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4 Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me; Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: Thou hast anointed my head with oil; My cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and lovingkindness shall follow me all the days of my life; And I shall dwell in the house of Jehovah for ever.

Eowyn Update 31: Starting Over

I just wanted to do a short update so everyone kind of knows what has been happening with her .. For the last couple of days she has been, for the most part, stable. This has put us back to how she was when she first came in here .. it feels like the last 2 months have been a huge waste of time, all the progress we have made has been completely wiped away and we have to start all over again *sigh!! She has been de-sating on and off but since yesterday the only de-sat she has had was today around 2pm, her HR went down to 40bpm and her saturation was down at 50% but they think that was triggered because the RT was suctioning her and she was waking up a little out of her coma and it irritated her. SO they put her under more medication to make her sleep again and she's been stable ever since. Some of the results from the tests they did on Thursday should be in tomorrow and we know already that she doesn't have RSV, so I'll have more to share with you tomorrow. I haven't been to the hospital since Thursday so I don't know how she looks but the nurses have told me that she is swollen again .. I just hope it's not so bad that she need chest tubes again. I do ask that you keep praying for her and if there is anyone who wants to donate money we really need gas cards. I know we have had a lot of support from you and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts but one of the reasons we haven't seen her this weekend is because we have ran out of money to keep seeing her everyday, especially with Caleb having to drive to school and work our money for gas as gone quickly. So our need at this time is gas for the car .. Thank you and just remember God is in control so even if we can't see her everyday I know God is there and He has the last say so in whether she lives or dies. You know it has to be true when even the doctors are telling you to pray because it's out of your hands. Praise report is, she's stable and God is with her and there is no one better to have by her side!!

Eowyn Update 30: Back To Peds ICU~Eowyns Heart Stopped!!

Yesterday Eowyn had a really bad day . Caleb and I got there at 9am to do our training and shortly after the baby stared to de-sat. She went down to 76% and they had to bag her .. this has been happening more and more over the last week but yesterday was the worse by far. After bagging her for several minutes and calling a code on which made every doctor, nurse and RT on the floor come to her bedside, they finally got her stats up and she was stable. I was playing with her after, trying to make her smile and the doctors decided to change her from her home vent to the hospital vent for a short time because the hospital vent delivers better pressure, so Caleb and I went down to the cafeteria to get a drink and a bite to eat and as we came back in the room they had just switched her vent over and decided to suction her because she sounded like she had secretions in her lungs .. well to say the least she was not happy about that and started to de-sat again. They went and hooked her up to the bag and stated breathing for her but she had clamped down so bad that none of the oxygen was getting to her lungs .. When she got down to 54% saturation they called code blue on her again and the whole floor rushed into her room. The doctor took over bagging and the lung specialist started listening to her chest and trying to figure out why she wasn't coming back up. Caleb and I kind of got pushed outside of her room and as we stood there outside her room we watched as our baby went from having a heart beat to not having one .. The doctor started chest compressions and the other doctor continued bagging. They filled her with multiple medications and had her on a lot of IV's .. After about 5 minutes of this Eowyns heart beat came back and they rushed her over to the ICU. After being in the ICU she de-sated again a few more times and they had to put her back on Dopamine, Morphine, Versed, Milrinone, 2 different saline bags, Immune Boosters, 2 different blood transfusions, 3 different antibiotics and they have her medically paralyzed .. They did an x-ray after the first de-sat spell and then another after she got transferred to the ICU and it showed a dramatic difference, her lungs are completely cloudy and they are saying she has some type of Pneumonia, it may be viral (which they can't treat or cure) or it's bacterial (which they have her on medication for). They did an entire panel of test on her and we will know more about those in a day or two .. They also did another ECO on her heart and it showed that the pressure in her right ventricle has tripled from the last one she got on the 20th, it was in the 50's and it's now in the 150's. That explains why her HR is so high .. We left the hospital at 10pm last night and she was stable and her saturation was 100%. I got a call around 3:20am from Hannah (Eowyns Nurse) and she informed me that they were going to switch the baby over to a different vent, it's called an Oscillator (I think) and the difference is that this vent delivers really short breaths and a lot of them .. It will breath 300BPM for her, the other vent does longer less frequent breaths and they think this new vent will be gentler on her lungs and help oxygenate them better .. The doctors switched her because her saturation was hanging out at 87% and nothing they did could bring it up .. Her blood gases looked great and her blood pressure was looking good too but for some reason her saturation was not going up so they decided that this would help her out the best and be a little easier on her body. I called the Nurse this morning around 8am and she told me Eowyn had not de-sated since being on the new vent .. Eowyn did go down to 91% once but went back up and has been in the mid 90's ever since, her blood gases still looked good and the blood pressure was great but the doctors thought that she should have time to just rest so they aren't going to wean her off of anything yet .. The only thing that went down a little was the oxygen and it went from 100% to 85% but they are keeping it there for a while till she has time to recover. So thats about everything that happened yesterday and this morning .. I Praise God she's doing better and that He gave the doctors wisdom to know what to do to bring her back when her heart stopped. Dr. Mirza said for most babies this is the ending factor and it's just to hard for their little bodies to fight any longer .. So for now we keep praying and see what God has in store for Eowyn and for this family. I know God doesn't give up more than we can handle, but I honestly don't think I can handle much more .. I have been stretched to far for to long. I am completely on empty!! Yet I keep pressing on, one step at a time .. I think at this point God is literally behind me with His hand on my back pushing me forward, there is nothing else that could keep me standing upright and moving forward. This has been longest season of my life and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel any longer .. I have no idea when or if she's even going to be coming home anymore.

Eowyn Update 29: Today Has Been Rough!

So we got up this morning and left for the hospital around 8am .. We got here a little before 9am, then we started our training. All we did was learn how to calculate how much oxygen we would need if we were to go out with Eowyn or calculate how much oxygen was left in the canister which would tell us how long she could be out with just that canister or if we would need to bring another one with us .. I just figure, if I go out anywhere with her I will just gave to learn to bring two because there is no way I'm going to be stuck some place with her and not have more then I need at all times .. I mean you never know what will happen.

Right now she's doing good .. HR is 144bpm, Respiratory is around 55-65bpm and her Saturation is 100%. Just from reading everything you would assume she's doing great and she is .. Now!!! around 9:40am she started getting really agitated, I gave her her binkie because she was trying to suck on her hands and I could tell she was hungry (and she was hungry because they stops her feeds so when OT came in Eowyn would be hungry enough to take a bottle, they were going to let me feed her), she was just going crazy sucking on the binkie and was getting even more upset, which is understandable because if someone stopped me from eating and I was hungry I'd throw a fit too, then, to say it as plainly as I can, she decided to hold her breath and turn blue. Because of the hypertension once she gets upset it's really hard to calm her down and when she cries so hard that she holds her breath its near impossible to calm her, bag her or do anything. So her stats start to drop and the RT can't get her saturation up, Eowyn is on high oxygen support at this time and still the bagging is not working. I can see that her lips are starting to have a blue tint to them and she got really white .. I'm telling the nurse and RT this whole time, not like they couldn't see it for themselves but I didn't think they were freaking out quite enough so I wanted to reiterate everything for them. They end up calling a Rapid Response on her and in minutes a swarm of doctors, nurses and RT's rush into her room, so many familiar faces .. Most of them were people who worked on her when she was over in PICU, well I was kind of comforted when I saw all of them coming and I know that sounds weird because when there's that many doctors and people in one room you kind of freak out but I felt like no matter what she was going to be OJ .. Anyways, call me weird or whatever but that's how it felt, well amongst the panic and crazy unmentionable thoughts that were going through my head. So as they got here her saturation went down to 74% her HR was 74, her breath was almost nonexistent and finally when she got so tired she couldn't fight against them any longer her stats started to come up, they could bag her without problems and her saturation came up to 98% .. But man oh man did she put up a good fight. Then she fell asleep and rested for a bit. When she woke up around 12:15 she was happy and smiling, I got her to grab at one of her toys and she started sucking at her hand again so I gave her the binkie an she did good for a little bit but she was just to hungry again for the binkie and was getting really mad so finally at 1pm they started her feedings again and about 10 minutes later she started having another one of her spells where she gets mad she clamps down and basically stops breathing .. She ended up throwing up so they stopped her feeds again and now she's sleeping. This episode wasn't as bad as the first one which is good however, they did tell me that if she keeps having these then she will not be able to go home till they are gone so now every time she does this all I think is great now it'll be even longer till she comes home. They also want to up her on a new medication and take one of the ones she is currently on away, so we'll find out more about that when the doctor comes in and discusses that. So that has been my exciting morning and early afternoon, I just hope that's the end of it and we can move forward from here. They also found that there is some bacteria around her Trach so she is on two antibiotics for the next 14 days.

The little bit of good news is, they did a chest X-ray to see if there as something wrong with her chest or something blocking her Trach like a mucus plug or something and it came back normal .. The doctor said there was no new change from the one they did yesterday so this is all a result of her being mad. So Praise God it's not something horrible .. Puts a new meaning on the whole "I'm going to hold my breath till you do what I want" things from our kids .. She actually really means it lol!!!!

Here's The Pretty Baby!!

Such a beautiful pretty baby .. If you look closely you can notice she has two different colored eyes. This is how wonderful God humor is: Well both the boys have brown eyes, so my whole pregnancy we prayed that Eowyn would have different colored eyes .. lol I guess we weren't specific enough so God gave her, literally, two different colored eyes lol .. We just wanted something other then brown!! Isn't God funny!!

Eowyn Update 28: Having A Rough Day!

So today around noon Caleb got a phone call from Eowyns nurse, she told Caleb that around 8am Eowyn started breath really fast and was having trouble catching her breath, her HR also started to climb and her saturation was going down into the 80%'s .. The doctor came in and order a large panel of test to be done and for them to preform an x-ray on her of her chest. They also had to raise her vent settings, she is now on 40% oxygen (not to big of a jump because she was already on 35%), the rate also went up from 10 to 14 and the pressure was on 22 and is now on 24. So the changes are not huge but it's not the direction you want to be going in. The doctor called back and spoke to me around 2pm and told me that her white blood count was elevated and that they found out she was anemic, so they ordered some antibiotics (which we are still waiting on) and order for her to have a blood transfusion. He also told me that the dietitian is making an order for Eowyn to receive a multivitamin that has iron in it to help her produce blood (which isn't a huge surprise to me because both the boys have been anemic their whole lives and my side of the family has a history of being anemic). She has been getting the blood transfusion for the last hour and she has about an hour left. Her HR is still high, she's sleeping right now and usually it's around 120 but right now it's at 145 and her respiratory is usually 25-30 and right now she's at 55-60. Her saturation was at at 92% or lower when I first got her at 3pm, but now it's come up to 97-98%. As for the test results we won't know anything till later tonight for tomorrow .. Not sure if this is an infection and if it is they don't know if it's from her Trach, her G Tube or her PICC line, right now nothing is clear but they still want to put her on antibiotics because with her history in the hospital and her condition they can't wait and take the chance that nothing is wrong, they basically treat it agresivley and if it comes back negative they just take her off the meds. So with all this not so good news, I won't say bad news because we've seen far worse, we do have a little good news .. On Thursday she had an ECO done of her heart and chest again and the pulmonoligist (the doctor who will be following her even when she comes home) told Caleb and I yesterday that the ECO did show SOME improvement, nothing crazy he said but there is improvement .. In my book "Some" = PRAISE GOD!!! Even with little set backs like today there is still need to rejoice .. God is good in everything He does and though we may not know the reason we do know how big and powerful our God is .. Take refuge in the fact that everything is in His hands!!! Please keep Eowyn in your prayers today, that she would feel great and recover from whatever this is quickly .. Thank you all, God Bless!!

P.s. The training is going great, Caleb got to change her Trach on Friday and I did all the cleaning and hygiene care .. We also got to learn how to bag her and give her one breathing medication (basically it's an inhailor that opens her lungs). We are supposed to start training on the vent but we will have to wait and see if she is doing better by Monday before we start all that, I'll let you all know what happeneds.

P.s.s. This post was writen on Saturday but for some reason it wouldn't let me post it at that time so I'm posting it now .. the only thing that has changed is the Mode of the vent. She was on this mode that only suported her breathes every time the vent would breath for her, now the vent gives her suport every time SHE takes a breath .. even if she breathes 60bpm the vent will suport her every single time which will help give her a break and not have to work so hard to breath. Oh also on Friday night around 7:15pm I was leaving a parking area, trying to get home and a guy ran his stop sign and hit my car .. so just one more thing to add to my plate. God is good and protected everyone in the accident and now the long proccess of insurence agents and trying to get my car fixed is starting.

Eowyn Update 27: Training and More

Well as you already know it's been a while since our last update .. Everything is going by so fast now and with Caleb working and going to school time feels nonexistent. So I'm going to try and update you on everything that has happend in the last few days .. First, we started training on Monday (17th), it went really good they really just forcused on showing us how to clean around the Trach area, changing the neck ties and how to clean the old Trach so it can be reused. Second, she got her G-Tube put in on Tuesday and we took that day off of training so she would have some time to rest .. She was upset and a little in pain when I saw her but she is doing great now and it's so nice to finally be able to see her whole face, with no tubes no wires no tape. Third, we got to put our knowledge to the test, on Wednesday we had to do everything we watch the RT do on Monday ourselves .. We worked together and got her all cleaned up and looking nice, we also watched the RT put in an entirely new Trach because that was part of our lesson and Finally today we got to do the whole thing ourselves, so Caleb washed her down and changed all her dressings for the Trach and I got to up a brand new Trach into her airway .. Then tomorrow we get to switch roles, I'll do the cleaning and Caleb gets to put in a brand new Trach. After the Trach care is covered we move on to ventilated settings and how to operate her vent. Speaking of vent settings she did have a little change on her settings, her rate is down to 10 and pressure is now at 4 .. They tell me these are really low vent settings, the oxygen is still at 35% but oxygen is a treatment for hypertension so she will most likely be on oxygen much longer then she will need a vent. She also got a swallow test done today, since she got her sucking reflex back they wanted to see if she would take a bottle and they wanted to make sure that when she sucked it wasn't going into her lungs. The study was done at 1:30pm and she past with flying colors .. Not only did she pass but they said she was the fastest study they had ever had lol .. But they did starv her for 4 hours to do the study so she sucked down the formula like it was going out of style. So now she is sleeping and I have to get going so I'm back in time to take CJ to wrestling. They also increased her feeds and are now giving her 45 cc's over a 2 hour window and then turning the feeds off for 1 hour and then repeating the process. Hopefully, with the doctors consent I will be able to feed her myself out of a bottle soon .. I can't wait!! Thank you everyone for your prayers .. Oh we also got the home evaluation done on Tuesday and everything seems to be in order, there are a few things we have to get and one of them, moving the water heater, will have to done before she can come home so we will be doing a fundraiser soon to help with the cost of all these changes that have to take place .. Ok so I really do have to go now but thank you all very much for keeping us in your prayers .. I'm so happy to be able to give you good updates, Praise God for all the wonderful and positive changes that ar e happening!

Eowyn Update 26: 4 Months Old~Visit From Brothers

Little Miss Eowyn is 4 months old today .. I just can't believe I was blessed enough to see this day. She is getting so big, every time I pick her up I can tell she's gotten heaver or she's getting taller and her hair in the back is finally starting to grow back in, Praise God!! Everyone who watched over her in unit 5700 comes and checks up on her and they all can't believe how well she is doing and how great she looks. I get people telling me all day how beautiful she is and what a great smile and personality she has. I am so blessed to hear all the nice thing's people have to say about her. She is one very happy baby, I don't think very many people can go through what she has went through and still have the happy disposition she has .. She's so unique, I'm just so blessed that God has given me charge over her. So for her 4 month birthday she got to have a visit from her daddy and brothers .. They got here around 2pm and it was perfect timing too because she was wide awake and roaring to go. CJ and Jesse go to see her, talk to her .. They asked questions (well CJ did most of the asking, Jesse just pointed to things and said "What's that?! But it's a question none the less lol) and the best part about it all way CJ got to hold her (see above picture). You should have seen him, he was blushing with happiness and couldn't stop smiling .. He talked to her and made her smile and squirm. He got a little nervous whenever she would move (I was holding her with him) so after a while of her kind of going crazy he said he was done holding her. She goes crazy mostly because she's IN LOVE with CJ and I'm serious, every time she hears his voice or sees him or his picture she just goes a little crazy. I think it's because when I was pregnant with her every morning and throughout the day he would come up to my belly kiss her and say "Hi baby sister, I love you" .. It was the cutest darn thing I have ever been blessed to see!! Jesse was excited to see her also, as excited as a 2 year old can be to see his replacement, as far as being the baby of the family that is. He said hi to her a few times, looked at her and said he loved her but when we asked if he wanted to hold her or touch her he gave us a firm "NO" .. So we just let him be. Then the baby took a nap and the 4 of us went to get some lunch. It was a very good day, very blessed to have all my family here on this day. God is so good and faithful and I'm just so happy about what He is doing in our lives, every time I think about it I find myself grinning from ear to ear .. Praise God, Hallelujah!!!

P.S. Caleb and I start training tomorrow around 2pm .. Please keep us in your prayers. We get to practise doing a Trach change on our own daughter, even more nerve racking in my opinion!!

Eowyn Update 25: From Unit 5700 to 5800

So I went to grab a bite to eat last night and when I returned to her room I walked in on a nurse grabbing all Eowyn's belongings and piling everything into her bed .. I was just curious as to what she was doing so I asked:
Me "Um, sorry what are you doing?"
Nurse "Gathering her stuff together"
Me "Ummhhmm, OK good, Why exactly?"
Nurse "She's leaving"
Me "Leaving to go where"
Nurse "Oh they didn't tell you?"
Me "I'm assuming not, why tell me what?"
Nurse "She going to be moved"
Me "OK got that, to where exactly
Nurse "She's going to Step Down"

Sounds bad right? That's what I thought when she said it to me .. sounds exactly like the name, a step down, like in the wrong direction, like Eowyns getting worse .. That's what I was thinking.

Me "Is she getting worse?"
Nurse "Oh no she's fine, that's why she's going to Step Down. We need to make room for the other patients coming in who are sicker then she is"
Me "Oh right so it's a good thing then?"
Nurse "Yep, means she a step down in sickness .. one step closer to going home"
Me "OK great, you had me worried for a minute there"
Nurse "Sorry, don't worry it's good thing"

So to keep this long story from getting longer I will just say Praise God!!!
She is doing very good, HR is perfect, saturation is 100%, I even get a little more responsibility as far as taking care of her like washing her, changing her diaper, holding her, getting her to suck on a binkie and bottle, it's great and she seems to enjoy her new room, the only down side I think is that she now has to share the room with another baby .. But the nurses all seem nice and I have yet to meet her new doctors. Just more step closer to being home .. Praise God!!!

p.s. Also, I'm not sure I told you but the results from her PH Probe test came back and everything is normal, Praise God!! She may not even need to G Tube if they can get her to suck on a bottle .. I've been working with her on trying to get her to suck on a binkie and she's doing great so I hope when the speech therapist comes back to get her to take the bottle that we have a praise report to tell you all .. Keep Praying!!!