Family Update 5: She Would Have Been 5 Month Old!

I have been kind of busy lately and the days have been blending together, but when I finally had a moment to stop and look at the calendar hanging from my frig I noticed today was the 17th .. Three months ago today I took my daughter into Hemet Hospital and that started the hardest journey my family would have to go through! That was the day everything changed, the day that will never be forgotten .. November 17th was the day my family was no longer whole. Eowyn started having trouble breathing, an hour earlier she had thrown up after eating and I noticed as I laid her in her bed that something wasn't quite right and my suspicions were only magnified when, while holder her on my arms, she went limp and started turning white. I rushed her to the local hospital while Caleb stayed with the boys, they were both sleeping and I was unaware of how serious this would become, and as I got to the hospital I could hear that Eowyn's breathing was getting slower and more shallow. I went up to the window and told the nurse that I thought my baby was having trouble breathing. She took me back right away, sat me down and asked "why do you think your baby is having trouble breathing?" I then showed her Eowyn's face and she immediately ran me back, called the doctor and nurses and within minutes they had Eowyn intubated and was giving her oxygen suport .. It is an undiscribably feeling, to see your baby go through that and know that there is nothing you can do to help .. except pray! It's a helpless felling, seeing all this going on and not knowing anything .. I mean I had no clue (at the time) what happen to her or if she would be ok, as far as I knew it looked as though she would die right then. You just don't know what to do, what to think, you are completely lost. The nurse asked me if I had someone to call and I said yes .. I called Caleb and told him he needed to come down right now. He started asking question, which I had no answers for so I just told him to get his mom to watch the boys and to get to the hospital as fast as possible. Within 5 hours she was transported to Loma Linda Hospital were she would spend the remainder of her life. By the next day (18th) the doctor was talking to us about ECMO (life support). He told us this was the only way she would have enough of a chance to stay alive long enough for them to try and figure out what was wrong with her .. I didn't even know how to process this information, I mean my baby was absolutely fine a day ago and now the doctor is telling me she has to be put on life support .. What the heck was going on? Had I enterd some kind of knightmear and not known it?! On the 19th of November Eowyn went on ECMO and that started the journey for the fight of her life. She stayed on ECMO for 12 days and was finally able to come off after many failed attempts. The rest of the journey is writen in the many blogs posted on this site and you all know how the story ends but I wanted to write this and let you know how it all started .. Some of you many know and other may not but now you all do. Yesterday I was very emotional, crying all the time, easily irritated and just depressed and today I stoped and notice that yesterday would have been her 5 month birthday and today would have marked her 3 month stay at the hospital .. I'm glad she didn't have to spend her 5 month birthday in the hospital but I'm sad she didn't get to spend it with us! Thank you Lord for truly healing her and bringing her home eternily .. Help our hearts to heal and help us to look toward You for all we need and all we do!!

Family Update 4: Our Engagement Anniversary!

Today, nine years ago, Caleb took me on a very romantic dinner and walk on the beach for our late Valentines Day date .. We had to go to school on the 14th so we both decide, instead of rushing it, we would celebrate V-Day the day after .. Everything was perfect and beautiful. On our way, walking down the beach, he surprised me by going down on one knee and asking for my hand in marriage .. Can you guess what I said lol!! So here we are nine years later and if you had asked me to describe what our marriage would be like the road we've traveled is not one I would have guessed .. this is yet another picture of why God is God and we are not. He is the only one who knew we would go through what we have and He knew we would be able to survive it, with His help of course. If I had my way I wouldn't have picked to go through the trial we have gone through, I don't think anyways. I mean I can't be upset about it because with each trial, big or small, it has brought me and our family closer to God .. I mean if thats the reward I/you/we get then we should all be giving praise to God for all our trials. Unfortunately not everyone ends up praise God, some end up falling away from Him and turning on Him because they think God's the one who's punishing them for something or just not caring enough to do anything about it. Here's where our perspective comes into play .. You know why bad things happen? It's because humankind is flawed. God made us perfect, He designed us that way from the get go but no one wants a robot to love them, that's not even love, so He gave us free will .. I'll just end it with this, God gave us a way to get to heaven, whether you except that way or not is up to you but I do know that God is to loving to be unkind and if He could He would save every single one of us .. Oh wait, didn't that already happen!! As for Caleb and I, we are happier then ever and all the Praise, Honor and Glory go to God for working through the bad things and good to bring us closer to Him!!

Family Update 3: Valentines Day~Our First Holiday w/o Her.

Caleb and I went out to Newport yesterday to celebrate Valentines Day with our awesome friends Jeremy and Jenifer .. We went out to Joes Crab Shack where Jen had the privilege of teaching me how to crack my own cab and eat it. It was amazing to say the least, it was a wonderful break from the everyday grind or in my case a break from my mind and it's obsession to think about Eowyn. Now we're here on Valentines Day and as I look around and see all the many people celebrating their love for one another I can't help but think how I only want to show love to one person and she's not here to do that with. I find myself missing her more and more each day and my mind becomes engulfed with pictures and memories of her .. I almost have to make myself not think about her just so I won't go crazy. An inspiring person told me today that instead of thinking about how I'm doing here on earth, focus on how she is doing up there in heaven and it might help make me feel better. I would have to say, for the short time I was able to do it, that it does work and does put a smile on my face. I guess it's all about perspective and mine was facing a little bit in the wrong direction .. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, going around saying why me, why now, how could this happen?! I'll never know the answers to those questions anyways till I get to heaven and by then, after seeing all my family and friends, and not to mention Jesus, I may not want to or even care to know the answers to those questions. This is what I do know: God is to loving to be unkind and He's to perfect to make mistakes .. So whatever the reason is, for what happened, God was and is always in control! I do still miss her and I really don't think that will ever go away completely. Now I just have to remind myself to think about her being in heaven and trying to imagine what kinds a crazy fun things her and her best friend are doing up there .. How I can't wait to partake in that!! So Happy Valentines Day to you all and I pray it was a sweet reminder of God's limitless love for you and how He yearns for you to be in His arms totally engulfed by His love .. Thats the picture He gave me through this trial with Eowyn, how I long to be with her and how I want her to know how very much I love her, how words are lacking in my brain to express to her my love for her and my yearning to hold her one more time .. How much more does our Father want those things for us!! The picture I have in my head is beautiful and I long for the day I can be held and loved on by my Father in heaven.

Family Update 2: The Day After Her Memorial

We are blessed to have had so many people come and share in the celebration of life for our little baby girl Eowyn. You never really know the people you'll see or who your loved one has touched and it was no different for us .. We saw so many familiar faces along with a few faces that haven't been seen in some time, then there were ones we have never seen but that God has brought into our lives through this journey of ours. It was amazing to feel the love and support that everyone was giving us even throughout the service. God is so good and His wisdom and knowledge in putting the right people in our lives in unbelievable. As we move on from yesterday I feel like all the emotions of her passing are starting to come out .. but with force this time. I think with all the planning of the memorial and trying to get everything handled I was able to keep myself mostly busy and keep my mind off of her passing. It's kind of my way to process things but now that everything is done and I have nothing else to plan of get ready for I'm just left to sit and think about everything that has taken place .. I have time to cry, be sad and lean on God and my husband to help get me through this. Now it's about really taking time to grieve, get the home life back up and running and getting us back on our schedules. I know I'll see her again and just thinking about the hug we'll have makes me smile .. Her service was beautiful and Pastor Cliff did an amazing Job (as always) at sharing the word of God and trying to reach the unsaved. I know that was part of the reason, if not the whole reason, Eowyn was hear, to spread the word of God through people and bring them closer to our Lord and Savior and we want to keep that going even after she left to be with Jesus. CJ and Jesse are doing fine. Really I think Jesse is to young to really know about anything that is going on but CJ knows and from time to time he'll bring Eowyn up and simply tell me "Mom don't cry, she's all better now .. Jesus healed her". I just hope he keeps up that faith and doesn't turn away from God .. I know how these kind of situations can lead to people running away from God and I hope that never happens. Please keep our family in prayer as we try to move forward.

Family Update 1: It's Been 1 Week

I would have to say that I can't believe a week has passed already. I guess with all the memorial arrangements, having to pack up all her stuff and getting things in the house moved around one does tend to lose track of time .. half the time I don't even know what day it is. Still with all this going on I do still feel like I'm missing something, like I've misplaced something really important and I just can't seem to find it! It's how I explain how I feel about Eowyn not being here, the only way I can share with you how it feels to not have her here anymore .. My life feels less hectic, like I have so much more free time. I guess thats what happens when you don't have to drive to Loma Linda everyday, your time just gets freed up. I would have to say that not having Eowyn here, as in this house, isn't what feels odd to me. She hasn't been home in so long that I'm used to not having a baby here, what's weird to me is not driving to Loma Linda to see her everyday. Not driving up Lambs Canyon, getting on the 10W freeway, complaining about all the crazy drivers (and no I'm not one of them), exiting at Tippecanoe and driving up the street to the hospital, trying to find a parking spot (which is near impossible and something they should really work on fixing) then going inside and waiting for one of the only elevators that work (something else they should fix) and finally getting to the 5th floor, walking through the double doors and seeing all the nurses, RT's and doctors that I've grown so close to .. Men and women who have dedicated there tie to taking such good care of my daughter, people I trust. They are apart of my family now and they have known Eowyn just as long as anyone else has, these are the things I miss, the things I feel weird not doing on a daily basis. It also feels weird not being able to see my daughter, to hold her hand, even not seeing her Trach is weird for me .. So many things that I got used to doing and seeing and now it's all over. I know there's an adjustment period for everyone and this one is going to take a bit more time to get used to but I can't help but be joyful at the same time .. It's almost like God has held back my tears for the last few days and replaced it with Joy. Joy in knowing that Eowyn is in His arms and she is made perfect and even though I miss all those things I just listed I'm also thankful I don't have to do them any longer because it means that she's no longer in pain, she's no longer suffering, everything that was keeping her there at the hospital is now gone, like a vapor! She ran the good race and God called her home, as much as I miss her I'm also so very proud of her. In the short amount of time she did have here on earth she did a great work for the body of Christ and that is something to smile about .. One day I'll be able to tell her how proud of her I am face to face and I'll give her the biggest hug ever! I miss her so much and I'm not sure when the felling I have of something being misplaced will go away but I lean on God and He keeps me going one step at a time. Thank you all for your prayers for our family, we need them.

Eowyns Memorial ~ We Miss Her!

Eowyns memorial has been set, here is the information for everybody:

When: Friday ~ February 11, 2011.

Time: 11 a.m.

Where: Calvary Chapel San Jacinto
http://www.ccsjonline.org/
1450 W 7th Street
San Jacinto, CA 92582
(951) 654-1401

I want to thank you all again for everything everyone has done to support us .. It has felt amazing to know how many prayers went up for her and how many are still going up for our family. This has been the most difficult thing we've ever had to go through and I know with Christ and time this hurt will begin to heal. I have truly enjoyed every moment we got to spend with her and though her time on this earth was short I know it was for a reason .. The reason may not be reviled now or ever for that matter but I know God doesn't do anything accidently so she was supposed to be here when she was and she was supposed to leave when she did! God is good and faithful in all thing He does and I find my rest and comfort in that. If you have known me for a while you will remember me saying how I never wanted to have a girl .. MY plan was to have 4 boys and that's what was going to happen. I now tell people God knew I wanted a girl even when I didn't, she is my blessing in disguise and I wouldn't trade her or the time we had with her for anything in the world .. Now I wouldn't mind having 4 girls haha!! She has changed my heart, made it softer, kinder and more girly .. I encourage everyone who is going to attend her memorial not to feel like you have to wear any black. In fact I ask that you don't .. Be bright and colorful just like she was. We miss her more then words can ever describe but there is joy and happiness in knowing she's in the arms of God and she is now without pain, blemish or any imperfection .. She has been made whole in every single way and one day she will welcome us into her arms, Oh how I look forward to that day!

I will be continuing to write on her blog .. I've decided it can serve as a therapeutic way for me to deal with this loss and find encouragement from the readers. Thank you all again for staying diligent in reading the updates and praying for our needs.

Eowyn Update 33: ~Her Race Has Been Run~

As many of you know Eowyn Mai Rose-Marie Havertape went to be with our Lord and Savior last night .. She is perfect in every way and in the arms of God!! Caleb and I had a family meeting with the doctors yesterday morning at 10am and we were informed that a test, that was sent out about a month ago, for a very rare gene, came back with a positive result .. Eowyn was born with Alveolar Capillary Dysplasia with Misalignment of Pulmonary Veins also known as ACD/MPV:

Alveolar capillary dysplasia with misalignment of pulmonary veins (ACD/MPV) is a disorder affecting the development of the lungs and their blood vessels. The disorder affects the millions of small air sacs (alveoli) in the lungs and the tiny blood vessels (capillaries) in the alveoli. It is through these alveolar capillaries that inhaled oxygen enters the bloodstream for distribution throughout the body and carbon dioxide leaves the bloodstream to be exhaled. In ACD/MPV, the alveolar capillaries fail to develop normally. The number of capillaries is drastically reduced, and existing capillaries are improperly positioned within the walls of the alveoli. These abnormalities in capillary number and location impede the exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide. Other abnormalities of the blood vessels in the lungs also occur in ACD/MPV. The veins that carry blood from the lungs into the heart (pulmonary veins) are improperly positioned and may be abnormally bundled together with arteries that carry blood from the heart to the lungs (pulmonary arteries). The muscle tissue in the walls of the pulmonary arteries may be overgrown, resulting in thicker artery walls and a narrower channel. These changes restrict normal blood flow, which causes high blood pressure in the pulmonary arteries (pulmonary hypertension) and requires the heart to pump harder. Most infants with ACD/MPV are born with additional abnormalities. These may include abnormal twisting (malrotation) of the large intestine or other malformations of the gastrointestinal tract. Cardiovascular and genitourinary abnormalities are also common in affected individuals. Infants with ACD/MPV typically develop respiratory distress within a few minutes to a few hours after birth. They experience shortness of breath and cyanosis, which is a bluish appearance of the skin, mucous membranes, or the area underneath the fingernails caused by a lack of oxygen in the blood. Without lung transplantation, infants with ACD/MPV have not been known to survive past one year of age, and most affected infants live only a few weeks. For a full explanation please copy and paste the follow link into your browser: http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition/alveolar-capillary-dysplasia-with-misalignment-of-pulmonary-veins.

After talking with the doctors and consulting with the lung specialists they told us this disorder is fatal and there is a 100% death rate, she would not be a candidate for a lung transplant and there was nothing further medically they could do for her. The latest x-ray showed that her lungs had began to scar, do to the very high pressures from the vent she was on, her diaphragm was no longer rounded but had caved in and was no longer allowing lungs to expand and oxygenate her blood; it also showed that her Intestines were deformed and not working properly. In addition, she was failing to circulate her own blood and was loosing oxygen needed to keep her body warm .. In finding out this information, speaking with the doctors and praying about what we should do Caleb and I decided that the best thing for HER would be to take her off the ventilator and place her into the arms of God. Last night around 7pm the vent was turned off and as she lay in my arms she passed away and entered the Kingdom of God! We know that Eowyn is an eternal being--she always has been and always will be since creation. The Bible says that God knew her since before the foundations of the earth; we also know that she will forever be our baby girl .. We can no longer hold her in our arms but one day she will welcome us into hers. I thank God for every single day we got to spend with her, to love on her and show her how in love with her we were and still are .. She is my baby mama and I will love her forever!! My heart is heavy and I miss her more then I could ever express to you, I feel as though my heart has been ripped from me but I know in time God will heal and restore it. Thank you all for every single prayer you put out there for her .. It didn't turn out how I wanted it to but it did turn out how God wanted it to and there is comfort in that!!

We will be holding a memorial service for her but all the details have not come together yet .. I will post and let everyone know when and where it will be held. Thank you all again for everything you have done both spiritually and financially, we love you all so much!!! I do ask that you please not send flowers, though they are nice to receive, we do need help financially to pay for her funeral. A monetary gift would be greatly appreciated; Our address for those who need it 25891 Fore Drive, Hemet CA 92544 .. Thank you all so much!