Tuesday, March 22, 2011
So I guess the big news today is that we will be welcoming another Havertape baby into our lives .. God is so good!! I'm 8 weeks pregnant today and we are currently due on November 1st 2011, which would be super cool because the babies birthday would be 11.1.11, however Caleb's birthday is October 27th so he's hoping the baby will come a few days early and be his birthday present .. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. As for me, I'm still in shock a little and just trying to process it all. It happened MUCH faster then we had planned, in fact it wasn't planned at all and you can say that it's pretty much an accident .. Well an accident to us but in the big picture God knew all along. We had planned on having more kids but not for a year or so and for those of you who know my experience with getting pregnant it's not easy for it to happen to us, so for us to not be trying diligently to get pregnant and for it to just happen out of the blue can be nothing other then God!! What's really amazing about it is a few days after Eowyn's funeral I was talking to the Lord and telling Him my desires and my need to have another baby and how I hoped it was in His will for me to have another baby and experience being pregnant again .. Little did I know that He had fulfilled my prayer even before I had prayed it. That's how loving God is and how Omnipotent He is .. He knew my wants and desires even before I had expressed them to Him and not only did He know but He put into motion that which I desired, I mean this is amazing!! I do have to admit that Caleb and I have known for a few weeks that we were pregnant but I wasn't ready to share the news with anyone .. I guess I was scared, scared of being pregnant again, scared of what people were going to think or say (not that that should bug me, but I'm human and it kind of does) and just scared to think about the fact that we may have another baby with ACD/MPV even though the percentage is only 1-2%. I just can't go through that again, my mind and my heart can't survive losing another baby. I know some of the doubt is the enemy putting stuff in my head and I know some of it is just me being fearful for what the future holds. Fear is not of the Lord and I know this, however I also know I'm human and just with human nature alone makes you doubt and become fearful .. My job is to know I'm human, I'm flawed and when I have fear and doubt I only know one person to take it all to and that's God. So that's my plan, God is my plan and He will comfort me and sustain me. Like my doctor (Dr. Ramirez) said "We will treat this pregnancy like any other healthy pregnancy till we know otherwise!" So that's the plan, well there's other things to the plan but that's a start. Dr. Ramirez listened to my story then he brought in the head doctor of the medical center and she put in a lot of referrals for us to get things done, on the list is the following: Caleb and I have to meet with a Geneticist to get our blood tested so they can see whether the disease is inherited or not, we will be seeing a special OB person who will determine whether or not my pregnancy falls under the high risk category, I got a TB test done which will be read tomorrow, I have a referral to get an ultrasound done, basic blood work all pregnant women have to get done and finally they are thinking of doing an Amniocentesis to have genetic testing of the baby done while I'm pregnant to test whether or not this baby will be born with ACD/MPV, not that it matters to much because we'll still have the baby but for peace of mind I think it would be good to get done as long as it didn't harm the baby in any way. But we'll see, I have to talk with the Geneticist and ask if there is even a test available for unborn babies to get done concerning that specific disease and ask what the pros and cons are .. For now the baby is doing good, healthy, happy, growing and we are on our way to happily excepting another baby into our family, into our arms, into our hearts. CJ is very excited, already praying for another baby sister, Jesse is kind of like whatever mom, he's still kind of young to care to much lol but I think he's going to be excited when the time comes. Caleb and I are so happy and super excited!! .. Please keep this baby and our family in your prayers. Pray for health and safety of the baby, no complications and peace for us .. Pray we don't go crazy with worry and fear. Thank you Lord for the blessing (baby) you have given us, Your timing sometimes has me wondering if You know what You are doing, but I know You are to Wise to make Mistakes .. So here we go!!!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
So Caleb and I are going to be going to Miller-Jones Mortuary today to put in our order for Eowyns' Headstone. We are currently designing it on his Photoshop and Illustrator programs .. I'm trying not to have a nervous break down. This is just something a parent should never have to do, but it also has to be done so I'm kind of stuck. The good thing is, in about 6-8 weeks, people who go to visit her at the cemetery will be able to find where she is. I was out the other day with CJ, shopping at Wal-Mart, and we picked out some flowers to take to her .. I had to look for a second to find her and then I called CJ over and he laid the flowers down for her, then he decided he didn't like the plastic that was around the flowers so we took them out .. CJ thought it would be a good idea if we took the flowers and outlined her gave with them so people would be able to find his baby sister. So now people will be able to find her at least for a while till they get to old and the workers have to discard them. I think we'll just go back every week and do the same thing till her headstone gets there, also gives me a chance to visit her. CJ said he missed her, he put his hand on her grave and said "mom I can feel her" and then he started to cry. He's showing his emotions more and more with each day and I have to say it's not easy to deal with .. but I reassure him that she is doing great where she is and we'll see her again one day when we get to heaven and it's ok for him to feel sad, to miss her, even to be mad about it and take it to God and tell God how he feels about it all. There's still healing going on over here and though the pain will not ever go away fully, it does lighten up with time. I find myself missing her but not in a sad way, if that makes sense, I'm joyful for her .. I know what she suffered and for her to be with us for 4.5 months was incredible. I loved the time I got with her, to be her mom, to love on her, to worry about her, get gray hair over her and to just know her, see her smile and know her face. She was an amazing little girl. I don't understand everything but I know she was sent here to change our hearts, our minds and open us up to God and everything He has for us, to bring us closer to Him .. She did that!! We love her so much and I'll keep you posted so you know when her headstone gets there.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
It just goes to show that even with the small things, though we would probably choose to not have them happen and God may not either, He uses them to teach and mold us all the time. With the small things and the big things He wants to improve our imperfections and draw us closer to Him .. Gods ways of using any situation to better us, is amazing!!
Well to be honest not much has changed since the last time I had an update .. Still dealing with heart break, looking to God for comfort and some kind of understanding, going on with our day to day lives and trying not to have a nervous break down. Today marks 1 month since she went to be with Jesus .. I really can't believe how fast it goes by, kind of like when I brought her home and she was 1 month old, I looked back and said to myself "Didn't I just give birth to you?" CJ has been telling me more often that he misses his baby sister and he wishes she didn't have to go to Heaven by he's glad she's not sick anymore. He also informed me that he's praying for another baby sister but this time he's asking that she would not be sick .. Not sure how to process that but I just tell him to keep praying because God hears him and will answer his prayers, in one way or another. As far as our family goes, the boys are both in swim lessons which they are liking a lot .. CJ is in level 2 (Mostly because he already knows how to swim but they need to help him with strokes and floating on his back), Jesse is in level 1 (for the second time) and that's because he doesn't know how to swim at all but he's learning and doing much better. He's not even supposed to be in the class because he's to young, but his birthday is in June and he'll be three so they just let him in the class. Caleb has been very stressed lately, you can be praying for him, he's still in school, working at the college teaching 3 multimedia classes, trying to run his own business and still grieving over the loss of his daughter .. Not to mention dealing with my crying and breakdowns all the time. He is an amazing leader and provider of his family but I can see how beat down he is and could use all the prayers you can put out for him. I'm doing better with every day thought I do take a step back, emotionally, from time to time .. The boys and family life keep me busy for the most part but there are times I'll cry out of no where and start to feel myself go through the "what ifs'" of her life and how I could have done something differently to change things. Those end up being the bad moments for me .. I also know I'm having the baby blues. I just love having babies, my kids are my life they are my ministry .. I know I need time to grieve but I also can't wait to have another baby. I just hope it's still part of Gods will for me to have another baby. In other family topics my brother and sister in law need prayer .. As many of you know Britny and her 3 kids were sent back to the US this last week because her son Johnnys' passport was expired. So they flew 13 hours to Russia sat in a confined area just to board the next flight out 15 hours later and then fly another 13 hours back to the US. They also have medical issues they are dealing with with their daughter .. Please pray for wisdom, understanding and knowledge that surpasses all understanding. Pray the Lord will reveal to them what He wants for them and from them.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
I have been kind of busy lately and the days have been blending together, but when I finally had a moment to stop and look at the calendar hanging from my frig I noticed today was the 17th .. Three months ago today I took my daughter into Hemet Hospital and that started the hardest journey my family would have to go through! That was the day everything changed, the day that will never be forgotten .. November 17th was the day my family was no longer whole. Eowyn started having trouble breathing, an hour earlier she had thrown up after eating and I noticed as I laid her in her bed that something wasn't quite right and my suspicions were only magnified when, while holder her on my arms, she went limp and started turning white. I rushed her to the local hospital while Caleb stayed with the boys, they were both sleeping and I was unaware of how serious this would become, and as I got to the hospital I could hear that Eowyn's breathing was getting slower and more shallow. I went up to the window and told the nurse that I thought my baby was having trouble breathing. She took me back right away, sat me down and asked "why do you think your baby is having trouble breathing?" I then showed her Eowyn's face and she immediately ran me back, called the doctor and nurses and within minutes they had Eowyn intubated and was giving her oxygen suport .. It is an undiscribably feeling, to see your baby go through that and know that there is nothing you can do to help .. except pray! It's a helpless felling, seeing all this going on and not knowing anything .. I mean I had no clue (at the time) what happen to her or if she would be ok, as far as I knew it looked as though she would die right then. You just don't know what to do, what to think, you are completely lost. The nurse asked me if I had someone to call and I said yes .. I called Caleb and told him he needed to come down right now. He started asking question, which I had no answers for so I just told him to get his mom to watch the boys and to get to the hospital as fast as possible. Within 5 hours she was transported to Loma Linda Hospital were she would spend the remainder of her life. By the next day (18th) the doctor was talking to us about ECMO (life support). He told us this was the only way she would have enough of a chance to stay alive long enough for them to try and figure out what was wrong with her .. I didn't even know how to process this information, I mean my baby was absolutely fine a day ago and now the doctor is telling me she has to be put on life support .. What the heck was going on? Had I enterd some kind of knightmear and not known it?! On the 19th of November Eowyn went on ECMO and that started the journey for the fight of her life. She stayed on ECMO for 12 days and was finally able to come off after many failed attempts. The rest of the journey is writen in the many blogs posted on this site and you all know how the story ends but I wanted to write this and let you know how it all started .. Some of you many know and other may not but now you all do. Yesterday I was very emotional, crying all the time, easily irritated and just depressed and today I stoped and notice that yesterday would have been her 5 month birthday and today would have marked her 3 month stay at the hospital .. I'm glad she didn't have to spend her 5 month birthday in the hospital but I'm sad she didn't get to spend it with us! Thank you Lord for truly healing her and bringing her home eternily .. Help our hearts to heal and help us to look toward You for all we need and all we do!!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Today, nine years ago, Caleb took me on a very romantic dinner and walk on the beach for our late Valentines Day date .. We had to go to school on the 14th so we both decide, instead of rushing it, we would celebrate V-Day the day after .. Everything was perfect and beautiful. On our way, walking down the beach, he surprised me by going down on one knee and asking for my hand in marriage .. Can you guess what I said lol!! So here we are nine years later and if you had asked me to describe what our marriage would be like the road we've traveled is not one I would have guessed .. this is yet another picture of why God is God and we are not. He is the only one who knew we would go through what we have and He knew we would be able to survive it, with His help of course. If I had my way I wouldn't have picked to go through the trial we have gone through, I don't think anyways. I mean I can't be upset about it because with each trial, big or small, it has brought me and our family closer to God .. I mean if thats the reward I/you/we get then we should all be giving praise to God for all our trials. Unfortunately not everyone ends up praise God, some end up falling away from Him and turning on Him because they think God's the one who's punishing them for something or just not caring enough to do anything about it. Here's where our perspective comes into play .. You know why bad things happen? It's because humankind is flawed. God made us perfect, He designed us that way from the get go but no one wants a robot to love them, that's not even love, so He gave us free will .. I'll just end it with this, God gave us a way to get to heaven, whether you except that way or not is up to you but I do know that God is to loving to be unkind and if He could He would save every single one of us .. Oh wait, didn't that already happen!! As for Caleb and I, we are happier then ever and all the Praise, Honor and Glory go to God for working through the bad things and good to bring us closer to Him!!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Caleb and I went out to Newport yesterday to celebrate Valentines Day with our awesome friends Jeremy and Jenifer .. We went out to Joes Crab Shack where Jen had the privilege of teaching me how to crack my own cab and eat it. It was amazing to say the least, it was a wonderful break from the everyday grind or in my case a break from my mind and it's obsession to think about Eowyn. Now we're here on Valentines Day and as I look around and see all the many people celebrating their love for one another I can't help but think how I only want to show love to one person and she's not here to do that with. I find myself missing her more and more each day and my mind becomes engulfed with pictures and memories of her .. I almost have to make myself not think about her just so I won't go crazy. An inspiring person told me today that instead of thinking about how I'm doing here on earth, focus on how she is doing up there in heaven and it might help make me feel better. I would have to say, for the short time I was able to do it, that it does work and does put a smile on my face. I guess it's all about perspective and mine was facing a little bit in the wrong direction .. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, going around saying why me, why now, how could this happen?! I'll never know the answers to those questions anyways till I get to heaven and by then, after seeing all my family and friends, and not to mention Jesus, I may not want to or even care to know the answers to those questions. This is what I do know: God is to loving to be unkind and He's to perfect to make mistakes .. So whatever the reason is, for what happened, God was and is always in control! I do still miss her and I really don't think that will ever go away completely. Now I just have to remind myself to think about her being in heaven and trying to imagine what kinds a crazy fun things her and her best friend are doing up there .. How I can't wait to partake in that!! So Happy Valentines Day to you all and I pray it was a sweet reminder of God's limitless love for you and how He yearns for you to be in His arms totally engulfed by His love .. Thats the picture He gave me through this trial with Eowyn, how I long to be with her and how I want her to know how very much I love her, how words are lacking in my brain to express to her my love for her and my yearning to hold her one more time .. How much more does our Father want those things for us!! The picture I have in my head is beautiful and I long for the day I can be held and loved on by my Father in heaven.